Before I give you some incredibly biased relationship advice, let me first vet myself. The title of this blog is ?Your New Kid Sister? for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I am the perpetual youngest sibling in every circle of friends I enter. Often times, that means being the adorable comic relief or the buffer between two people who don?t get along. Other times, it means being the one who is most likely to ask ?Hey, can I sleep on your couch for a few months?? Either way, I am fortunate to make some pretty strong friendships because I am trustworthy and loyal (read: needy) and eager to help (read: just generally over-eager.)
Being the little sister to everyone I meet, while a great way to have tons of people looking out for me, also means that I exist in a complex gray area that is a little bit more intimate than the friend-zone, but not so comfortable that I am exempt from the occasional non-mutual exchange of feelings with guys who realize that I am not dating material. Because I?m a bit of an emotional masochist, that usually means that I end up listening to their dating problems and doing what younger siblings are trained to do: I tell them exactly what they already know in the nicest way possible.
My success rate for guys I?ve dated or wanted to date subsequently meeting the girl of their dreams is somewhere around 75%, with a few outstanding gentlemen sure to meet girls who are sort of like me (but better!) in the next few years. That makes the first bit of advice pretty obvious: date me, lead me on, or break my heart with unrequited feelings or by cheating on me with a friend or a girl in that?s still high school. You will end up not only having an awkwardly close friendship, but you?ll have someone to talk to when you get lonesome. It?s totally well adjusted in every single way.
For those that I never dated or had any weird ?Oh no, I want to make out with you,? moments, there?s still been a pretty heavy exchange of advice, with one long time friend stating just weeks before his wedding that I was a big part of his keeping it together long enough to hold on to the girl of his dreams. All of this makes me feel pretty entitled to have a relationship advice blog.
So, here are my key tips, as doled out to a dozen or so young men who are lucky to have a bro like me.
1. Nobody owes anyone anything, even if you might or might not be mutually interested. Listen: Just because you went out, made out or any? experienced any other ins-and-outs, that doesn?t mean that anybody has to continue with some standard protocol of who-contacts-who. Whether you?re in the almost dolorous ?should we/shouldn?t we? phase or just newly acquainted, don?t lose sleep over a silent period. Sometimes people just don?t have much to say or they don?t know how to say it. We live in a world that has all but exempted face-to-face interaction, but if you want to get some face time (heh heh), the only way to really know what?s up is face-to-face, whether it?s another date, Skype or at the very least over the phone. Otherwise, just be patient.
2. Corollary to #1: It?s okay to?
- Come on a little too strong, so long as you realize it and back off.
- Change your mind about the other person, so long as you realize it and back off. Don?t prolong the inevitable just to avoid seeing the other person sad.
- Freak out about every miniscule detail (Is she subtweeting me? [no. yes. maybe.] What did that emoticon really mean? [very little, unless it was ;), then it was probably sexual])?but, you know, realize it and back off.
- Feel totally stupid and scared and incapable of forming intelligent speech.
You know why? Because they probably feel that way too, or at the very least have before for someone else. Try to remember that the human you?re crushin? on is just as human as you. As I recently reminded fellow Handle staff writer, Jamie Boudreaux, romance is a series of? well-meaning manipulations and not-too-uncommon missteps. If it?s going to work out, everyone involved will have to accept the other person in spite of their tongue-tied, neurotic, indecisive antics.
3. Don?t get too comfortable. Seriously. Ever. The downfall of many relationships (and ?almost relationships? ? the ones where you basically only want one another? but find some way to rationalize your way out of the inherently irrational movements of romance) is that we forget that there?s a certain magic in that early unfamiliarity. All those flirty moments are exhilarating, so much so that I can?t think of a better time in any relationship (so far, apparently the ones that work out have their great parts). When it comes to new ?ships, everything before (and much after) those monumental firsts is still a first, so don?t think it?s okay to start blowing the other person off. ? Don?t think that just because you?re Facebook official (or just not looking for anyone else) that the occasional reminder of? ?Hey, I think about your face?? or ?Here?s something I haven?t shared with anybody, but you?re super special? isn?t the best way to keep them from seeing your hideous parts and vice-versa.
4. Pigeonhole your love interest with a personality type, but only to keep yourself sane. I have recently taken to making my close friends take the Enneagram, which assigns one of nine personality types. Much like one of those ?Does He Want to Take You To Prom?? tests in a Seventeen magazine, personality type indicators only reveal what we want to know about ourselves. Knowing someones Enneagram type just tells me their basic self-identity and gives me a way to make sense of their mystifying romantic behavior. In case you?re curious, I?m a type six who keeps dating twos (disaster! They want to be loved and I want to be loyal!) but I keep good company with fours, fives and sevens. It?s not flawless or magical, but I think it puts a face on the amorphous being that we can make of someone we want to exchange Valentines or numbers with.
5. These things never work:
?except, sometimes they do. If the feelings are mutual and you?re both willing to work hard, there?s no harm in trying your hand at it. The worst that can happen is that it doesn?t work out (see #6), and then you can just say it was inevitable.
6. The worst thing that will happen is that it doesn?t work out. Yeah, it?ll suck and you?ll have trouble listening to The Decemberists for awhile, but you?ll recover. If you need someone to help you out, I know just the kid sister to talk to.
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I want to keep this up, so let me know via comment or tweet (@erinkmurray)? if you have any relationship questions I can pretend to understand and answer.
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